Matcha lattes & existential life crisis.

Friday, 11th of July. 3.44 pm.

I don’t get it. How do people come across that moment of ‘click’ when they just know that’s what they want to do in their life at that moment in time? And it might not be their thing for life, but they just start it, and somehow continue with it without waking up every day and wondering what’s next. Or what’s the new thing they now have to go after because this current thing isn’t fulfilling them?

Slowing down to feel the weight of the day

Little moments of comfort, even when the bigger picture feels unclear

Thinking about everything and nothing, all at once

And I’m assuming here- this is purely a subjective point of view based on what I feel when I go through life, I observe, I watch how others live their life. And my eye always catches people who look just present in their jobs.

They’re focused on what they’re doing. Whenever I had a job, I may have seemed focused, but the entire time, I had a plan plotting away in the back of my mind, trying to figure out how to get to the next best place.

And it’s exhausting. Because I’ve gotten into the habit of allowing these thoughts to surface. Whether I allowed them to or not, they either way managed to get so loud that it was nearly impossible to shove them back to the back of my mind and suppress them.

This led me to quit my graduate job, to leave Croatia as my potential all summer long job, and now I’m back to waking up every day trying to avoid a negative existential life crisis spiral. What do I do with my life? That is it. When I struggle to distract myself for a moment, this is the question that pops into my head. And it’s prominent.

Not a passing little fleeting thought. This question low-key enters my mind, sets shop, and lives rent-free, bothering me, because I simply don’t have an answer to make it go away.

Matcha always tastes better when paired with quiet reflection

Grounding myself with each step, even when my mind is racing.

Some thoughts can’t be written — they need to be felt through colour.

People say your 20s are for exploring, but then why is it that the only thing I genuinely crave is stability? Community. A social group that keeps me grounded. Friends. Boyfriend. Familiarity. A place I can call home, and I’m genuinely happy to live there without thinking of the moment when I’ll plan to move into my ‘next home’. It feels like I’m constantly running. And not even because I want to.

But it’s like there’s no point staying where I am because it just doesn’t make sense to me. It doesn’t make me feel good. And at this point in my life, the only person responsible for my lack of happiness is me. But then why don’t I know how to fix it?

It's like I can register and pick up on what I don’t want very quickly. But when it comes to understanding what I do, what…. Well, that’s still a pretty big mystery to me. And trust me, I’ve tried. I’ve tried to navigate the ups and downs of my everyday by travelling, talking to people, reflecting, journaling, applying for jobs, doing career tests… honestly, anything I possibly could. And yet, I still feel like I have nothing to show for at the age of 25. And even when I feel like I do, it takes one bad day or a low emotional swing, and it disappears. Like I’m standing in a pool of quicksand, and unless I keep struggling and incessantly keep picking my legs up to avoid being swollen whole, I have no chance of finding solid ground to stand upon.

A rare moment of stillness that found me, instead of the other way around

I didn’t find all the answers today, but I did find a quiet place to land

Moving forward even when the direction isn’t clear

Some people say this is just how it is. And it’s all a matter of just pushing forward no matter what. But what if I’m pushing in the wrong direction? What if the reason why I’m in this current conundrum of a quarter-life/existential crisis… is because of the choices I made? The choices I made to break free from a path that didn’t align with me, to make way towards doing things with my life that genuinely make me feel fulfilled, happy, and satisfied. But sometimes, honestly, it feels like I’m left standing with nothing but a path of destruction and regret to show for in life.  

Anyways, that's just a 'quick' snapshot of what's been running through my head since 4.30 am today. I think I need to get some more sleep.

Amelia X