Why we cling to the wrong people (even when we know better).

Kristina Kotouckova
Apr 4
3 min read

Updated: Jun 23

There is no shortcut to emotional freedom—only stillness, acceptance, and honesty.

The illusion we chase.

Often, when we fall too fast and too deep for the wrong person, it's not them we're truly after—it's the

illusion they represent. What feels like heartbreak is often our inner self mourning the loss of the emotional security we believed that person could give us. We project safety, love, and ease onto someone who is simply present at the right time, when we feel emotionally empty or uncertain in ourselves. We don’t fall for them. We fall for what we think they’ll offer us. This is why, when the chase ends and they pull away, what shatters isn’t just a connection—it’s the illusion we built around them.

The shattering moment.

The crash that follows emotional attachment to the wrong person can feel just as painful as real heartbreak. I found myself in this exact spiral. What began casually turned into emotional dependence. I wasn’t running after him for who he was. I was running toward the emotional comfort I believed he could provide. And when he pulled away, I tried to control what wasn’t mine to hold. That’s when the illusion shattered—and I fell with it. That emotional fall, as painful as it is, becomes the first step back to self-awareness.

The truth in the silence.

The moment we stop running is the moment we begin to see clearly. When I finally hit emotional rock bottom, I noticed something new: stillness. In that space, I realised I wasn’t just chasing him—I was chasing a feeling. And now that he was gone, I was left with only myself… and it was enough. Painful, but enough. I had to learn to sit with that pain instead of numbing it or replacing it with another distraction. It’s when we sit with our emotions, rather than running from them, that we truly begin to heal.

Letting go is a kind of freedom.

There is no shortcut to emotional freedom—only stillness, acceptance, and honesty. I stopped searching for quick fixes. I didn’t try to fill the void with someone else. I permitted myself to hurt. To cry. To feel it all. It was that conscious act of letting myself feel without trying to control, chase, or escape that finally brought me peace. We heal not by replacing but by facing. And in that facing, we return home to ourselves.

You already hold what you’re searching for.

The love, safety, and validation you seek externally already live within you. I used to doubt this. How can I be what I’m missing? But slowly, I began to see… I already was. Each time I chose not to chase, not to overanalyse, not to beg for clarity—I was choosing myself. And that choice built a kind of strength I never knew I had. We don’t always believe in our inner capacity until life pushes us to. And when it does, we find we’ve always been whole.

Final reflection: Love that isn’t desperate.

True love isn’t desperate, performative, or anxious. It’s calm, grounded, and safe. I know I’m no longer chasing illusions when I can say, “I like him, but my liking doesn’t need to be returned in order to be real. That’s emotional freedom. That’s the space where love can find you. Because you're not depending on it to rescue you, you’ve already rescued yourself. And that is the version of you that the right love will recognise and rise to meet.